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Women Will Talk Sex - But Not Money
Posted By: Gloria McDonough-Taub | Senior Producer
| 12 Feb 2009 | 04:17 PM ET
Think of this as my Valentine's gift to you. My guest blogger is Hilary Black who has written, THE SECRET CURRENCY OF LOVE a great book that addresses one of the last taboos: women’s relationship with money — more complex than you would think.
Money. You can't escape it.
Whether you're rich or poor, single or married, a saver or a spender, personal finance is a potent – and universal – force in human relationships. So why is it so difficult to discuss? Even as daily headlines broadcast ever more alarming news about the fate of the American economy, few are willing to acknowledge the role money plays in their most private affairs. It's too messy.
It makes us squeamish. It cuts too deep, too close to home.
Which is why I asked the most interesting women I know to reveal their most private stories about love and money in THE SECRET CURRENCY OF LOVE, a collection of original essays that I've recently compiled. I was surprised by the visceral response I received. One by one, women I respected professionally — and in some cases had known for years — came forward with astonishing confessions about the way personal finance shaped their experiences, their philosophies, and their most important life decisions.
My research revealed that upbringing is one of the single most crucial factors in determining our financial personas. Watching the way our parents spent money — were they profligate or thrifty? Showy or understated? – goes a long way toward establishing our financial values as adults. And, as the stories in my book show, many of us struggle with the tension between embracing these attitudes and rejecting them.
In many ways, money remains a taboo subject in American culture.
Most women would rather discuss their sex lives than their income (let alone their husband's income). But as I discovered, underneath that surface reticence is a roiling, largely secret stew of powerful emotions. The stories I heard were chillingly visceral: A single woman confessed her long-veiled hope that the man she marries will ultimately support her. A wife revealed her struggle with her husband's penny-pinching ways. A divorcee wondered why she is always the chief breadwinner in her romantic relationships.
Women, I learned, have particularly complex relationships with money, since they have often been sent mixed messages about their earning options. While society dictates that men have one path – to support themselves – it is socially acceptable for women to either work or "opt out" and allow their husbands be the breadwinners. The result is a great deal of ambivalence.
We may have come a long way since Jane Austen's time, when a woman's entire future depended on landing a husband with a reliable income. But despite newly enlightened attitudes about gender equality in the workplace, the notion of finding a wealthy Prince Charming still lingers. In fact, a recent poll reported that two-thirds of its female respondents were "very" or "extremely" willing to marry for money. Asked how much a potential spouse would need in order to qualify as money-marriage material, women in their twenties said $2.5 million; the going rate fell to $1.1 million for women in their thirties and rose again to $2.2 million for women in their forties.
As the economic news goes from bad to worse, I feel it's particularly crucial for women to take responsibility for their financial destinies. In these troubled times, it's understandable to want to retreat to more traditional gender roles when it comes to getting and spending. But we've fought hard to create an equal place at the table, and we shouldn't give it up, especially now. In the end, the best way to navigate money issues is, above all, to be honest – and to contribute to your relationship both emotionally and financially.
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We are, I believe, fascinated by other people's financial issues because we all want to know the same things: Is she like me? Is her life better? Worse? Does she have more than I do? Is what I have enough? Money, I discovered, is about much more than loans and interest rates. It is about hope and shame, envy and security, fear and joy. It is as personal as it is nuanced. And, in the uncertain times ahead, it will play an increasingly powerful role as all of us will be forced to re-examine our emotional connections to our finances. 
Hilary Black is editor of the THE SECRET CURRENCY OF LOVE: The Unabashed Truth about Women, Money, and Relationships. She has spent her career as an editor in both books and magazines, with positions at Random House, HarperCollins, Simon & Schuster, and More magazine. Visit her online at hilaryblack.com
