Dave Barry's holiday gift guide
Once again we come to that magical time of year -- a time of
mistletoe, and carols, and eggnog, and Jack Frost nipping at your
nose. Sometimes we get so ticked off at Jack Frost for nipping at our
nose that we take a swing at him and fall down. That's when we know
it's time to ease off the eggnog.
But our point is that the Holiday Season is a time of traditions.
And that is why every year, over the violent objections of our
attorneys, we present our Holiday Gift Guide.
What is the Holiday Gift Guide? It is a collection of truly unique
gifts -- gifts that will cause the people who open them to look at you
and say, with heartfelt gratitude: "OK, where's my real gift?"
We want to stress that all the items in the Gift Guide are real. We
do not make them up. Somebody actually decided to manufacture and
market these items, which means that you can actually buy them,
assuming you have an even bigger eggnog problem than we do.
EXTREMELY MASCULINE HYDRAULIC WATCH
$19.95 plus shipping and handling Great Buy USA/Merchandise Center,
P.O. Box 9243, Central Islip, NY 11722-9885, 888-674-6296, Internet:
www.greatbuyusa.com/
(November 27, 10:13 a.m. PST)
This is the watch for the manly male hombre on your gift list. It
is a hefty hunk of alloy metal -- that's right, mister, ALLOY metal --
made in China, a nation famous around the world for the quantity of
its watches. The advertisement for this product boldly states:
"Similar watches sell for $39.95 or more!" So you know we are
talking about craftsmanship.
But here is the best part: With this watch, when you want to know
what time it is, you pull a knob, which activates a hydraulic piston
mechanism, which raises a little cover, thus revealing the watch face.
In other words, this is an ACTION watch. This is not some wussy little
foo-foo girly-girl watch that, when you want to know what time it is,
you just look at it.
You will want to give this gift to every man on your holiday list
who needs visible proof of his manhood. Geraldo Rivera buys these
babies by the CASE.
"HEAD TRIP" SCALP MASSAGER
$17.50 plus shipping and handling from The Happy Company, 31055
Huntwood Ave., Hayward, Calif. 94544, 800-486-2896, Internet:
www.thehappycompany.com
(Suggested by S. Duncan of San Jose, Calif.)
If there is anything more relaxing than having your scalp probed by
what appears to be a small hand-held pitchfork, we frankly cannot
imagine what it is. That is why we are so excited about this gift
item, the Head Trip scalp-massage device.
This product is made from the finest quality of bent wire.
According to the literature that accompanied it, the Head Trip is
"well on its way to becoming an international fad sensation." The
literature also states that this product was originally marketed in
Australia under the name "The Orgasmatron," which raises some
troubling questions in our mind about the physiology of Australians.
We cannot prove this, but we suspect that this product may also
enable you to receive radio signals directly into your brain. It would
not surprise us to learn that Mr. Dan Rather is a longtime user.
STADIUM PAL
$24.95 plus shipping and handling from Liberated Spectator, P.O.
Box 53893, Cincinnati, Ohio 45253, 877-782-3675, Internet:
www.stadiumpal.com
(Suggested by Jeff Berkowitz of Miami, Fla.)
Do you have a man on your holiday gift list who -- like so many men
-- sometimes goes to the bathroom?
If so, he needs a Stadium Pal. This is a bag that is strapped to
the leg and attached to a tube, which is in turn attached to the
wearer in a way that enables him to discreetly relieve himself
anywhere. Think of the advantages! Say you're at a football game with
the guys, enjoying cold refreshing beverages. One by one, all your
friends have to get up and go to the stadium restroom, where they face
long lines, not to mention predatory bacteria the size of hamsters.
But not you! Thanks to your Stadium Pal, you can remain comfortably
in your seat, enjoying the game, continuing to consume beverage after
beverage, and relieving yourself whenever you want! You won't have a
worry in the world, other than the fact that you will eventually have
to get yourself home while transporting a large quantity of urine in a
bag strapped to your leg. ("Hey, what's that sloshing sound?")
SWANK MALE LOUNGING ATTIRE
Leopard Snuggler $59; Fuchsia Thong $10; plus shipping and handling
from International Male, Order Processing Center, Hanover, Pa.
17333-0075, 800-293-9333, Internet:
www.internationalmale.com
There is a certain kind of man who wears a certain kind of "look"
-- a look that makes the fashion statement: "I frankly cannot get over
what a studly hunk of beefcake I am." We are talking about your
"swinger," your "Mac daddy," your charter Maxim subscriber, your
"Love Cruise" contestant, your "cool cat" who is always "on the
prowl" for babe-a-licious females.
And what kind of leisure attire does our international male wear
when he is lounging around his "crib?" He is enjoying the comfort
and style of this genuine leopard-print "snuggler," with the big
"V" cut in the front so that he can, at all times, with no wasted
motion, admire his chest and abdominal muscles. For active beach wear,
he can slip into the European thong-style bathing suit, which provides
all the comfort, style and coverage of a No. 8 rubber band.
MUSICAL TOILET PAPER ROLLER
$4.95 plus shipping and handling from Deer Creek Products, 3038 NW
25th Ave., Pompano Beach, Fla. 33069, 954-978-0597. Allow 4-6 weeks
for delivery.
For hundreds of years, the human race has had music, and the human
race has had toilet-paper rollers. But it is only recently that we
have been able, thanks to technology, to realize the dream of bringing
these two things together.
The result is this "high-tech" gift concept: A roller that,
according to the catalog we ordered it from, "plays two relaxing
ballads whenever you unroll tissue."
"Enjoy listening to the great music of 'Love Story' and 'Love Me
Tender,"' states the catalog, adding that this item is a "great
conversation piece."
AMAZING FLUOROSCOPE X-RAY-VISION GLASSES
$3.95 plus shipping and handling from Deer Creek Products, 3038 NW
25th Ave., Pompano Beach, Fla. 33069, 954-978-0597. Allow 4-6 weeks
for delivery.
Remember the comic books you read as a youngster? Remember the
advertisements in the back for novelty items such as the Joy Buzzer,
the Chinese Finger Trap, Disappearing Ink and the Squirting Flower?
Remember the most intriguing novelty of all -- the X-ray vision
glasses, which were usually illustrated by a young man looking through
something, such as a wall, or his hand, or the clothes of a hot babe?
Remember how you begged your mom for 50 cents, and sent away for a
pair of these glasses? And then you waited for what seemed like
forever? And then, finally, they came in the mail, and you opened the
package with great excitement, and you put the glasses on, and you
looked through them, and you saw ... a confusing blur?
Well, these are those same glasses, only now they cost $3.95.
CAMOUFLAGE DUCT TAPE
$9.50 plus shipping and handling from L.L. Bean, Freeport, Maine
04033, 800-229-9179, Internet:
(Suggested by Jeanette Goss of Milwaukee, Wis.)
Over the years, we have featured many fine camouflage items in the
Holiday Gift Guide, including camouflage baby clothing and camouflage
women's underwear. These items come from catalogs for the sportsperson
community, whose members love to wear camouflage clothing, apparently
believing that it makes them blend unnoticeably into the environment,
whereas in fact it makes them look like large walking vegetables.
But the point is that camouflage is very popular with
sportspersons, and if you have one on your gift list, he is sure to
love this camouflage duct tape. This product enables the sportsperson
to apply the camouflage "look" to anything he can wrap tape around --
a car, a dog, an elderly relative, anything. It might even work on
ducts, although it would be wise to check with the manufacturer before
trying something as wacky as THAT.
TALKING BEER OPENER
$7.95 plus shipping and handling from Pacific Direct, 5795 NE
Minder Rd. Poulsbo, Wash. 98370, 800-535-0131, Internet:
www.talkingbeeropener.com
(Suggested by Rosanne Strassberg of Miami, Fla.)
If there's one thing that beer drinkers need, it's encouragement to
drink more beer. Unfortunately, there are times when the beer drinker
finds himself in a situation where there are no other humans around to
perform this vital function.
If you have such a person on your holiday list, then this is the
perfect gift item: a beer-bottle opener that, thanks to the miracle of
electronics, says, "Oh, yeah! Time for a beer!"
That's all this item says, and it says it every time it is
activated. It could be 7 a.m. on a Wednesday morning, but as far as
this item is concerned, it's BREWSKI TIME! The lucky recipient of this
gift may never make it to work again.
TITANIC COLORING BOOK
$2.50 plus shipping and handling from Dover Publications, 31 E.
Second St., Mineola, NY 11501, fax 516-742-6953, Internet:
www.doverpublications.com
(Suggested by Nancy Bivins of Tallahassee, Fla.)
We don't know about you, but whenever we think of carefree fun for
children, the historic incident that comes into our mind is the
sinking of the Titanic.
That is why we are so excited about this gift, a coloring book with
30 detailed, realistic, ready-to-color scenes telling the story of the
Titanic, from the day it sailed right up until the end. Imagine the
holiday joy of some lucky youngster -- let's call her Suzy -- who
receives this gift. While her siblings are playing with their boring
old Sony Playstations, Suzy is having the time of her life coloring
page 23 of this book, which depicts people jumping from the sinking
ship, or page 27, which depicts the recovery of frozen bodies floating
in the Atlantic.
Ha ha! What a fun gift! You might want to stick some
antidepressants in Suzy's stocking.
FLAMINGO HAT
$4.95 each plus shipping and handling from Oriental Trading
Company, P.O. Box 2676, Omaha, Neb. 68103, 800-228-2269, Internet:
www.orientaltrading.com
(Suggested by Fred Hegel III of Greensburg, Pa.)
The flamingo hat has long been considered a fashion classic. But
until recently it was available only at exclusive stores in posh
places such as Beverly Hills, where top entertainers such as Miss
Barbra Streisand and Mr. Bruce Willis have been known to snatch up
entire shipments of these beauties the instant they arrive.
Now, however, the Gift Guide has located a source willing to sell
the flamingo hat to you, the dirtball public, for just $4.95 -- an
incredibly low price to pay to acquire the distinctive "look" of a
large pink bird squatting on the wearer's forehead.
"BUSTE UP" BOSOM ENHANCEMENT GEL
$20 plus shipping and handling from Le Club des Createurs de Beaute
Order Processing Center, 270 Monroe Turnpike, P.O. Box 1207, Monroe,
Conn. 06468, 800-758-1337, Internet:
www.ccb-paris.com
(Suggested by Nancy Williams of Las Vegas, Nev.)
Here is the perfect gift for that very special lady on your holiday
list who is susceptible to gravity. Buste Up is a gel that, according
to the promotional material, will "keep things going in the right
direction ... helps combat droop, enhance firmness and promote tone. A
fabulous 'up' for breasts."
Of course here at the Holiday Gift Guide, we do not take
promotional materials at face value. We conducted a Scientific Field
Trial of Buste Up by giving it to our Miami Herald co-worker, Mimi
Whitefield, who used this product and gave us the following wildly
enthusiastic report:
"I tested this cream for a month, faithfully rubbing it in every
day. I even took it on a Caribbean vacation. (Note to my bosses: I was
working. The cream wasn't.) Did anyone rush up to me during the trial
and exclaim, 'The skin in your bust area is glowing. What texture!!'
Actually no. But there was about an eighth of an inch of cream left in
the bottle that I couldn't get out. And I guess that eighth of an inch
could have made all the difference."
"UNDER-EASE" ANTI-FLATULENCE UNDERWEAR
$24.95 plus shipping and handling from Under--Tec Corp., P.O. Box
11714, Pueblo, Colo., 81001, 888-433-5913 Internet:
http://www.under-tec.com/
(Suggested by many alert readers.)
This could very well be the most exciting scientific breakthrough
item that we have ever featured in the Gift Guide. "Under-Ease" is a
revolutionary new air-tight underwear that contains a charcoal filter,
which filters out noxious bodily odors before they can escape into the
atmosphere and be blamed on the dog.
This product was invented by a Pueblo, Colo., man named Buck
Weimer. In a deeply moving interview with the Denver Post, Buck
revealed that he first dreamed of this concept one evening after a
Thanksgiving dinner, when he and his wife, who suffers from an
inflammatory bowel syndrome, were lying in bed, and she cut loose with
a near-nuclear blast. Lying there, eyes watering, Buck resolved to do
something, and, after years of research, he perfected and patented the
design for Under-Ease.
We cannot think of a more thoughtful gift than this for that friend
or loved one who cannot figure out why people keep leaving the room.
Under-Ease: It reeks of the holiday spirit.
