By Kris
They should consider changing the atomic symbol to $$$.
J.R. Ewing is probably rolling over in his grave right now. With the skyrocketing price of oil and the unsettled situation in the world's largest oil producing region, consumers have lost confidence in the aforementioned product. They're trading in their giant SUV's for tiny clown cars and burning corn to heat their homes instead of using oil. Most worrisome for the Texas oil tycoon though is that the nation as a whole is transitioning to new means to produce sweet lady electricity.
Sure solar power is nice, but it's only worthwhile for half a day or so. And what are you going to do when that comet finally hits the earth and its dust cloud shrouds the earth in perpetual darkness? Good luck using your Nintendo Wii then. So what about solar power? Please, if God had intended wind power to be used as a common source of electricity he wouldn't have made it so financially unfeasible nor would have given the blades of the wind generators the killing power of ten thousand O.J. Simpsons. Can you imagine one day when the wind generators rebelled against their human masters? No army on earth could stop them.
So that leaves but one real solution. Clean, environmentally friendly uranium powered nuclear energy. Using an advanced technique of splitting atoms at an atomic level originally discovered by MacGyver using a pencil, a roll of duct tape, and his left shoe, nuclear power produces electricity while creating no pollution and only minimal levels of radioactive waste, which could then in turn be used to create a race of mutant ninja turtles to protect our borders from illegal Canadian immigrants who come to steal our jobs and our maple syrup.
The costs of running a nuclear power plant is far cheaper than running a regular coal, oil, or gas powered plant as well. The setup is so simple, any bum off the street can run a nuclear power plant (see Homer Simpson). Safety controls are lax too, due in large part to the mysterious nature of nuclear power that baffles all but the brainiest of inspectors. As long as they don't find glowing green ooze dripping down the walls, the inspection passes. And even if they do, a moderate bribe or threat of physical violence against their immediate family typically remedies the situation.
Obviously nuclear power is this nation's future. There are 440 reactors currently in operation and 82 new plants under construction. The demand for fuel has driven the price of uranium up more than 40% in the last few months and over 900% the last decade. Had you made a modest investment in uranium of $500 in the 90's, you could now buy a small country like Monaco, San Marino, or Rhode Island and still have enough left over to buy the love of a moderately attractive man or woman... or both if you're into that kind of thing (we don't judge).
Better still, the looming possibility of a full-scale nuclear war makes investing in uranium even more promising. Iran and North Korea seem the most likely countries to initiate such a conflict but don't rule out China, Russia, or South American super power Argentina. And America's retaliation will be swift and powerful and drive the prices of uranium to higher than we would possibly ever image.
Finally uber-science institute MIT reports that the world is running out of fuel for our nuclear reactors. Dr. Thomas Neff, a research affiliate at MIT's Center for International Studies, prophesizes that fuel scarcity could greatly drive up prices of uranium. Only a few years ago uranium was selling for $10 a pound, now that rate has skyrocketed to over $90 a pound and shows no sign of decreasing ever.
Looking toward the future, more and more of the world's technology will require the use of nuclear power. Already submarines demand it, but soon so will flying cars, space transports, and even cellphone. It is estimated that in ten years, two out of every five people will have been exposed to lethal doses of nuclear radiation, that's how prominent it will become!
If you don't believe the studies, the statistics, or the threat of a global nuclear holocaust, perhaps a fancy graph made in Microsoft Excel will sway the tide? You can't argue with cold, hard assumptions based entirely on speculation!
Now that you know the facts, it should be plain to see that investment in uranium is a can't lose proposition. I believe in uranium so much that I've already purchased 50 pounds of the stuff myself, which I am storing in my basement refrigerator until nuclear war erupts. Then I will sell it to the highest bidder and live a life of luxury, at least as much luxury as one can live in a nuclear wasteland. I can't wait to own one of those cool cars I saw on Mad Max.
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